The begining is here, almost

Orientation ends tomorrow and I start officially working as an intern. A physician, no longer a med student. Can you say SCARY? Sheesh!!!

Orientation has been interesting, meeting my co-interns and bonding as a family/ team has been fun. We're all very different people, but also very similar. Today was a day with a fair bit of introspection and sharing of ideas and such. The introspective me loved it. Making our class "oath" a wonderful step in putting all minds, hearts and thoughts together. I hope that we will indeed be a supportive, fun, respectful, professional, smiley, caring group of learners and teachers over the course of our 3 years together.

We all have many hopes and dreams, goals, plans. I'm kind of excited about starting on the path to pursue those plans and goals. But I wont lie and say there isn't some trepidation there too. Funnily enough, one of my biggest sources of trepidation is that I wont have a well balanced life and it will be med school all over again, but on steroids. I don't want that for myself. I really don't. So my task is to find avenues to enhance my life and to remember to take care of myself. This for some reason seems so daunting, even though I'm better positioned to do this here, unlike my previous location.

Anyway, I was reminded by Mama Mia- no need to worry about it. Pray about it. Open your mouth and tell God and see if He wont answer. Which is very true. So from my fingertips to God's ears.

New stage, new beginings

I am now officially a physician.

Its scary, strange, humbling all together. I've gone from being a senior student, confident and competent to being back at the bottom of the totem pole- a lowly intern. So much to learn, to see, do, remember..... Its daunting, but I'm being reminded that other human beings have walked this way before me, and there's no reason why I cant. So, I'll gird my loins, put my thinking cap back on and go at it.
Wish me luck!!

For the last

When I was younger we had a game called "for the last". Kinda like tag but with the express aim of delivering the last hit before ways were parted.

Tonight, I say for the last to school. Working on the last presentation I'll have to give as a student, for my last rotation, on my last day of med school. It's amazing, and it's been nothing but Grace that has brought me this far.

But as I say goodbye to med sch, I realize that this presentation is simply going to be one of many. One of many done in school, and one of many that will be given over the course of my career as a resident, maybe fellow, attending etc. So this is not "for the last" to presentations/ the kind of work I've been doing over the past few years, but more like a change in pace.

Anyway, there is much to be glad about, much to be proud of and much to be thankful for. One season is ending, and another begins in a few weeks.... life continues, but in spirals, not circles.

I used to be idealistic. I had every intention of changing the world, saving it from itself and no one could tell me otherwise. This is a healthy part of growing up, I think, and I think everyone I know had similar dreams, aspirations, plans. Somewhere along the line though, my dreams faded, flickered, almost died. Cynicism ran strong, saving anything, even a potted plant seemed impossible, and I decided to just put my head down, grit my teeth and get through each level.

I'm recently done with yet another round of applications, interviews, decisions and knowing that some decisions ultimately are out of my hands. I've had to reflect on why I'm where I am, how I got here and where I want to go. In doing this, I went back to my dreams, dusted them off, took a critical look and refined them.

I stopped wanting to save the world a while back. I still have no desire to do so. I stopped wanting to save Ghana. That's not my job. I do however, want to save little kids. That's my calling and that hasn't changed. I think I knew early on that I wanted to be a pediatrician. No one who has had any contact with me in the past 4 years will doubt that. I want to be a great one.....not just good, but awesome. Not because of a pride thing, but because these are people's lives. Children's lives.

In a few weeks from now, someone will place a hood over my shoulders, add a few letters to the end of my name. We'll celebrate the end of one phase of the journey and the beginning of another. Then in a couple of weeks, I'll be responsible for caring for real, live patients. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. There's the fear of saying/ doing something dumb. There's the fear of messing someone's life. There's the fear of losing someone. Thankfully in residency there are safeguards. Senior residents, attendings, nurses- people looking over and working as a team to provide the best possible care. But still......

Anyways, I digress. More about dreams. One of the dreams I've been talking about a lot is wanting to build a children's hospital at home. As in- a free standing children's hospital. One with all (at least majority) of pediatric sub specialties. A happy land where children can be cared for properly, fully, by staff trained just for them. A land that eases some of the fear and discomfort of being sick. A land that will leave someone without the same grinding fear of hospitals that I used to have. I know this will be difficult, indeed, I've been informed my business minded folk that this is impossible, without adding adult care to the equation. I don't know....not entirely convinced and not ready for my newly discovered dream to be squashed just yet.

So we'll see. I have miles to go before I can even start to plan this, to go from dream to idea on paper. But I'm just glad that I'm dreaming again. The cynicism, the lack of trust in some of my country folk, all that is still there. But the dream is there, underneath, perhaps above, I don't know, somewhere in the midst of all this.

Back? I think so

Wow. About 2 years and here I am. Back here. A lot has happened in the intervening years. Stuff I wasn't always sure I'd survive, but THANK and PRAISE GOD, here I am to tell the story.

This school journey has been crazy. So many stories, so many lessons. Many tears, many, many laughs, insights, thoughts. Dreams forgotten, buried, then reborn and refined.

I kinda missed writing my thoughts- I wont lie. I miss this, and I wonder why I left it alone for so long, and then mourned my lack of an outlet. But here I am, again. Back to a place I can put my thoughts on paper, clarify them. It doesn't matter if anyone reads this, indeed I don't expect anyone to read this. But for myself, my outlets, I think I need this.

So, woman, lets do this. Properly.

Time for a vacation

Right about this time of year, I get cranky, tired, sleepy etc. And ready for a break. I think that 19 and counting years of education have got me programmed to living my life is chunks of terms/semesters. So right about now, Christmas vacation is looming in my head and in my body.

I wonder what life will be like outside Christmas vacation, spring break, summer vacations all set in semi-stone.

Sankofa

There's a Ghanaian proverb/saying- Sankofa. Which basically means that to move forward, you need to return to your roots. Or something like that. I'm interpreting it today to mean, that to continue to grow as a person, spiritually and emotionally, I need to look back and see how far God has brought me. This is not a post to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back. It's actually a critical post.

I remembered today, that God has never let me down. He's got my back and He's showed me that countless times and in different ways. So why I let fears and the need to be in control and impatience and a whole lot of other things distract me and cause all sorts of distress is baffling me. Why I persist in trying to run before God and trying to drag Him along, rather than to rest in Him and follow him is also baffling. And yet I do it. Time and time again. It has to stop.

So here's one way I hope learn and one thing I hope to change ASAP. I need to just relax and follow God and watch Him open doors, work miracles and basically take care of me. Not that I can take care of myself- and any idea that I can is simply an illusion. So, here's to learning how to rest and relax in God.

On the other hand, when God opens a door, I have to walk through it. He does His part, I do mine. Everything I do, I need to do for His glory with all my effort. I've become so lazy of late, that I feel like I'm ignoring open doors and just being very lazy and sitting on my ass. So this too has to change, and change now.