Thursday, October 22, 2009

Giving up on illusions

Last year I complained ad nauseum about tha fact that I moved into a little village in a small state, and I didnt have a life. This, in fact, was one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. This year however, I think I've given up. So, I dont have a life, probably wont have the exciting fun-filled dynamic life I think a 20 something should have.......ok......time to move on.

I've been told that I'll make money one day and that will make this worth it. And in my mind I think "sure, I'll have money which will go into paying bills, mortgage, school fees etc etc. fun times ahead!!!" And then after that though, my natural apathy sets in, I shrug and move on with what I'm doing- i.e. studying, about to study, thinking about starting to study, or thinking about how I'm wasting valuable time that I could be using to study.

It seems that no matter how hard I try. Its hard (read impossible) to "have a fun dynamic exciting 20 something life" when you're a student on a fixed income, living in the middle of nowhere, dont drink as a way to have fun/be social/drown stress or whatever, without friends who want to go partying every other night and more importantly, when a fun weekend activity entails staying in bed with a book that has no relevance to life in the least. So, it seems that the stereotypical "life" is not/has never been/will never be my thing.

Thats ok. But why do I also feel like I'm missing an important part of my 20's? Why is the angst still lurking under the surface? Have I really given up on this illusion, or have I simply suppressed it? In a perfect world where I could do whatever whenever, would I be out partying every other night? even every weekend? likely not. No one here expects me to have a fun filled awesome weekend all the time....not even myself. So what/who am I comparing myself to, and where is this illusion from? Many of my working friends who are making a ton of money in wonderful fun big cities are overworked, stressed and in increasing numbers, returning to school. So, in a few years, we'll all be at the same level anyway. So again, what is my problem?!?!?!?

Ok, clearly I'm somewhat frustrated with myself. But whatever, gotta go study :)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Can men and women just be friends?

I'm daddy's girl. Unapologetically and unabashedly. I'm also very close to my mother, make no mistake, but while Mom and I are very very good friends, I'm Dad's baby. I also grew up with 2 big brothers and many uncles, so perhaps this has skwewed my outlook a bit.

Some of my most favorite people over the years have been guys. I have more female friends, and some of them are very very close, but some of my all time favorite people, the people whose friendships I mourn when they end or grow distant are guys. You see with guys I can be rough, mischevious, playful etc. Maybe its because some of these guys I'm thinking about are basically good men whom I trust absolutely and maybe its because when we were at our closest, we were young, innocent and playful.

Whatever. I just wonder though, why this question is even asked. Can men and women be friends? Why on earth not? Maybe it may be inappropriate for someones best friend to be of the opposite gender when there are significant others involved. I can see how this can be thorny. But why cant a man and a women be good friends? Do someones feelings always have to get involved? And if there are feelings involved and they're unrequited, then, tough for whoever gets hurt. That's life. Get over it.

Is it because I'm a woman and so dont understand the things that make men tick and respond etc. But some of the people who have said an adamant no in response to this question have been women, not men. The men I've asked (granted a very small sample size) dont seem to have much of a problem.

So, is it self-preservation that makes people say no, men and women can't be friends? Am I missing something?