When I was younger we had a game called "for the last". Kinda like tag but with the express aim of delivering the last hit before ways were parted.
Tonight, I say for the last to school. Working on the last presentation I'll have to give as a student, for my last rotation, on my last day of med school. It's amazing, and it's been nothing but Grace that has brought me this far.
But as I say goodbye to med sch, I realize that this presentation is simply going to be one of many. One of many done in school, and one of many that will be given over the course of my career as a resident, maybe fellow, attending etc. So this is not "for the last" to presentations/ the kind of work I've been doing over the past few years, but more like a change in pace.
Anyway, there is much to be glad about, much to be proud of and much to be thankful for. One season is ending, and another begins in a few weeks.... life continues, but in spirals, not circles.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I used to be idealistic. I had every intention of changing the world, saving it from itself and no one could tell me otherwise. This is a healthy part of growing up, I think, and I think everyone I know had similar dreams, aspirations, plans. Somewhere along the line though, my dreams faded, flickered, almost died. Cynicism ran strong, saving anything, even a potted plant seemed impossible, and I decided to just put my head down, grit my teeth and get through each level.
I'm recently done with yet another round of applications, interviews, decisions and knowing that some decisions ultimately are out of my hands. I've had to reflect on why I'm where I am, how I got here and where I want to go. In doing this, I went back to my dreams, dusted them off, took a critical look and refined them.
I stopped wanting to save the world a while back. I still have no desire to do so. I stopped wanting to save Ghana. That's not my job. I do however, want to save little kids. That's my calling and that hasn't changed. I think I knew early on that I wanted to be a pediatrician. No one who has had any contact with me in the past 4 years will doubt that. I want to be a great one.....not just good, but awesome. Not because of a pride thing, but because these are people's lives. Children's lives.
In a few weeks from now, someone will place a hood over my shoulders, add a few letters to the end of my name. We'll celebrate the end of one phase of the journey and the beginning of another. Then in a couple of weeks, I'll be responsible for caring for real, live patients. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. There's the fear of saying/ doing something dumb. There's the fear of messing someone's life. There's the fear of losing someone. Thankfully in residency there are safeguards. Senior residents, attendings, nurses- people looking over and working as a team to provide the best possible care. But still......
Anyways, I digress. More about dreams. One of the dreams I've been talking about a lot is wanting to build a children's hospital at home. As in- a free standing children's hospital. One with all (at least majority) of pediatric sub specialties. A happy land where children can be cared for properly, fully, by staff trained just for them. A land that eases some of the fear and discomfort of being sick. A land that will leave someone without the same grinding fear of hospitals that I used to have. I know this will be difficult, indeed, I've been informed my business minded folk that this is impossible, without adding adult care to the equation. I don't know....not entirely convinced and not ready for my newly discovered dream to be squashed just yet.
So we'll see. I have miles to go before I can even start to plan this, to go from dream to idea on paper. But I'm just glad that I'm dreaming again. The cynicism, the lack of trust in some of my country folk, all that is still there. But the dream is there, underneath, perhaps above, I don't know, somewhere in the midst of all this.
I'm recently done with yet another round of applications, interviews, decisions and knowing that some decisions ultimately are out of my hands. I've had to reflect on why I'm where I am, how I got here and where I want to go. In doing this, I went back to my dreams, dusted them off, took a critical look and refined them.
I stopped wanting to save the world a while back. I still have no desire to do so. I stopped wanting to save Ghana. That's not my job. I do however, want to save little kids. That's my calling and that hasn't changed. I think I knew early on that I wanted to be a pediatrician. No one who has had any contact with me in the past 4 years will doubt that. I want to be a great one.....not just good, but awesome. Not because of a pride thing, but because these are people's lives. Children's lives.
In a few weeks from now, someone will place a hood over my shoulders, add a few letters to the end of my name. We'll celebrate the end of one phase of the journey and the beginning of another. Then in a couple of weeks, I'll be responsible for caring for real, live patients. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. There's the fear of saying/ doing something dumb. There's the fear of messing someone's life. There's the fear of losing someone. Thankfully in residency there are safeguards. Senior residents, attendings, nurses- people looking over and working as a team to provide the best possible care. But still......
Anyways, I digress. More about dreams. One of the dreams I've been talking about a lot is wanting to build a children's hospital at home. As in- a free standing children's hospital. One with all (at least majority) of pediatric sub specialties. A happy land where children can be cared for properly, fully, by staff trained just for them. A land that eases some of the fear and discomfort of being sick. A land that will leave someone without the same grinding fear of hospitals that I used to have. I know this will be difficult, indeed, I've been informed my business minded folk that this is impossible, without adding adult care to the equation. I don't know....not entirely convinced and not ready for my newly discovered dream to be squashed just yet.
So we'll see. I have miles to go before I can even start to plan this, to go from dream to idea on paper. But I'm just glad that I'm dreaming again. The cynicism, the lack of trust in some of my country folk, all that is still there. But the dream is there, underneath, perhaps above, I don't know, somewhere in the midst of all this.
Back? I think so
Wow. About 2 years and here I am. Back here. A lot has happened in the intervening years. Stuff I wasn't always sure I'd survive, but THANK and PRAISE GOD, here I am to tell the story.
This school journey has been crazy. So many stories, so many lessons. Many tears, many, many laughs, insights, thoughts. Dreams forgotten, buried, then reborn and refined.
I kinda missed writing my thoughts- I wont lie. I miss this, and I wonder why I left it alone for so long, and then mourned my lack of an outlet. But here I am, again. Back to a place I can put my thoughts on paper, clarify them. It doesn't matter if anyone reads this, indeed I don't expect anyone to read this. But for myself, my outlets, I think I need this.
So, woman, lets do this. Properly.
This school journey has been crazy. So many stories, so many lessons. Many tears, many, many laughs, insights, thoughts. Dreams forgotten, buried, then reborn and refined.
I kinda missed writing my thoughts- I wont lie. I miss this, and I wonder why I left it alone for so long, and then mourned my lack of an outlet. But here I am, again. Back to a place I can put my thoughts on paper, clarify them. It doesn't matter if anyone reads this, indeed I don't expect anyone to read this. But for myself, my outlets, I think I need this.
So, woman, lets do this. Properly.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Time for a vacation
Right about this time of year, I get cranky, tired, sleepy etc. And ready for a break. I think that 19 and counting years of education have got me programmed to living my life is chunks of terms/semesters. So right about now, Christmas vacation is looming in my head and in my body.
I wonder what life will be like outside Christmas vacation, spring break, summer vacations all set in semi-stone.
I wonder what life will be like outside Christmas vacation, spring break, summer vacations all set in semi-stone.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sankofa
There's a Ghanaian proverb/saying- Sankofa. Which basically means that to move forward, you need to return to your roots. Or something like that. I'm interpreting it today to mean, that to continue to grow as a person, spiritually and emotionally, I need to look back and see how far God has brought me. This is not a post to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back. It's actually a critical post.
I remembered today, that God has never let me down. He's got my back and He's showed me that countless times and in different ways. So why I let fears and the need to be in control and impatience and a whole lot of other things distract me and cause all sorts of distress is baffling me. Why I persist in trying to run before God and trying to drag Him along, rather than to rest in Him and follow him is also baffling. And yet I do it. Time and time again. It has to stop.
So here's one way I hope learn and one thing I hope to change ASAP. I need to just relax and follow God and watch Him open doors, work miracles and basically take care of me. Not that I can take care of myself- and any idea that I can is simply an illusion. So, here's to learning how to rest and relax in God.
On the other hand, when God opens a door, I have to walk through it. He does His part, I do mine. Everything I do, I need to do for His glory with all my effort. I've become so lazy of late, that I feel like I'm ignoring open doors and just being very lazy and sitting on my ass. So this too has to change, and change now.
I remembered today, that God has never let me down. He's got my back and He's showed me that countless times and in different ways. So why I let fears and the need to be in control and impatience and a whole lot of other things distract me and cause all sorts of distress is baffling me. Why I persist in trying to run before God and trying to drag Him along, rather than to rest in Him and follow him is also baffling. And yet I do it. Time and time again. It has to stop.
So here's one way I hope learn and one thing I hope to change ASAP. I need to just relax and follow God and watch Him open doors, work miracles and basically take care of me. Not that I can take care of myself- and any idea that I can is simply an illusion. So, here's to learning how to rest and relax in God.
On the other hand, when God opens a door, I have to walk through it. He does His part, I do mine. Everything I do, I need to do for His glory with all my effort. I've become so lazy of late, that I feel like I'm ignoring open doors and just being very lazy and sitting on my ass. So this too has to change, and change now.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Interactions, expectations, perceptions.
In the past few months since rotations started, I've met a great diversity of people- much more than I did in my 1st 2 years. This, of course, is not a surprise to anyone. The first two years were spent mostly in class with the same group of students. Now in effect, I'm exposed to what the real world of CT looks like- well at least a fraction of the real world of CT.
The interesting/ sometimes fun part of a being an African (or black) petite, looks younger than she really is female, is watching peoples reactions to me. Some people couldn't care less when I explain that I'm a med student. Others, mostly older black women, give me this amazing grin and tell me, in words or actions, that they're proud of me. A few people have asked, in direct or subtle ways how old I am and many quietly wonder if I have any idea what I'm doing or if my parents know that their baby is masquerading as an adult in a white coat.
Of all these reactions, one of the one that warms my heart most was an interaction, well a series of interactions I had with a 90 something y/o black woman. She was kinda cantankerous really, giving everyone around her a hard time. But she would listen to what I had to say with a smile that said "aww, look at this cute baby girl". And she told me, countless times, that she never believed that in her lifetime, she would see a young black woman doctor. She was amazed, she was proud and she was happy. You see, if I ever doubted if I could do this (and yes, I doubted myself often, especially in 2nd yr) I never doubted because I'm female, or African or black. I doubted because it wasn't always clear why I was on this path and if I wanted to remain on the path. Neither of those issues had anything to do with race or gender, but were wholly within myself. To this old lady though, the issue was a very different one. And I think that meeting her gave me a much greater appreciation of the perspective of older people of color in this country.
I grew up in a time and place where there were no limitations set on me by virtue of my gender, size, height, skin color, ethnicity, nationality- nothing. I grew up knowing that I could go as far and as high as I wanted and as God would bless me to go. I never really thought about how the world perceives me in my journey towards this or any profession
I'll be honest and say that most, in fact, almost all patients I've come across in my rotations have been perfectly nice to me and I've had some good conversations with some of them. Sometimes, I think that the medical team, the attendings, nurses, allied health staff, residents and even myself are the ones who are more likely to be loud, rude, condescending and irritated with patients.
But every now and then, the 90 something yr old African American lady, the 70 something year old Italian lady, the 50 something year old African lady and the 30 something year old Caribbean man, the 16 year old Hispanic girl strike me a little differently and remind me that things have not been and are not always as cut and dry for others as they are for me. Even for people who may have been born in similar circumstances and times as I, the gifts, talents and opportunities I take for granted are not as blase as I think. So no, I'm not a super special case or anything, but I do have particular blessings that I need to share with others- even if means being a familiar young face or a familiar female face or a familiar black face. And sometimes, really, the thing that makes the difference is a smile between two people, regardless of who they are.
The interesting/ sometimes fun part of a being an African (or black) petite, looks younger than she really is female, is watching peoples reactions to me. Some people couldn't care less when I explain that I'm a med student. Others, mostly older black women, give me this amazing grin and tell me, in words or actions, that they're proud of me. A few people have asked, in direct or subtle ways how old I am and many quietly wonder if I have any idea what I'm doing or if my parents know that their baby is masquerading as an adult in a white coat.
Of all these reactions, one of the one that warms my heart most was an interaction, well a series of interactions I had with a 90 something y/o black woman. She was kinda cantankerous really, giving everyone around her a hard time. But she would listen to what I had to say with a smile that said "aww, look at this cute baby girl". And she told me, countless times, that she never believed that in her lifetime, she would see a young black woman doctor. She was amazed, she was proud and she was happy. You see, if I ever doubted if I could do this (and yes, I doubted myself often, especially in 2nd yr) I never doubted because I'm female, or African or black. I doubted because it wasn't always clear why I was on this path and if I wanted to remain on the path. Neither of those issues had anything to do with race or gender, but were wholly within myself. To this old lady though, the issue was a very different one. And I think that meeting her gave me a much greater appreciation of the perspective of older people of color in this country.
I grew up in a time and place where there were no limitations set on me by virtue of my gender, size, height, skin color, ethnicity, nationality- nothing. I grew up knowing that I could go as far and as high as I wanted and as God would bless me to go. I never really thought about how the world perceives me in my journey towards this or any profession
I'll be honest and say that most, in fact, almost all patients I've come across in my rotations have been perfectly nice to me and I've had some good conversations with some of them. Sometimes, I think that the medical team, the attendings, nurses, allied health staff, residents and even myself are the ones who are more likely to be loud, rude, condescending and irritated with patients.
But every now and then, the 90 something yr old African American lady, the 70 something year old Italian lady, the 50 something year old African lady and the 30 something year old Caribbean man, the 16 year old Hispanic girl strike me a little differently and remind me that things have not been and are not always as cut and dry for others as they are for me. Even for people who may have been born in similar circumstances and times as I, the gifts, talents and opportunities I take for granted are not as blase as I think. So no, I'm not a super special case or anything, but I do have particular blessings that I need to share with others- even if means being a familiar young face or a familiar female face or a familiar black face. And sometimes, really, the thing that makes the difference is a smile between two people, regardless of who they are.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Home is where the heart is?
I used to argue furiously with anyone who expressed the least bit of doubt about living a successful life in Ghana. From where I stood, I grew up in Ghana, reasonably comfortably, didn't die of cholera or dysentery or some other infectious disease, went to good schools and really, had no notion of extreme poverty or hardship. True, things might have been a lot worse if my parents didn't make the sacrifices they did, but I figured, if they did, then everyone else should be able to.
These days, I don't really care what who says. Part of it is my apathy showing, but part of it is also maturity in realizing that life happens. People start out with great idealistic plans and then realize that things aren't as easy as they seemed to be from afar. Some people left Ghana under terrible conditions and so really have no desire to return; others haven't been to Ghana in about 20 years and have a very warped view of what Gh is like.
Either way, whether or not someone returns to Ghana/the land of their birth/ancestry to live is a very personal decision- not one to be made by consensus or by some 18 y/o idealist who thinks she has all the answers.
Why do I bring this up, because it was an old post I started and didn't get round to finishing till now. But also because I found that priorities and ideas change with time. My desire to go back and work and like in Gh is no longer driven by some idealistic ideal of saving Gh from itself. Nah, its based in a very selfish desire actually. I want my kids, if they ever get born, to know their family and to be close to their grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and all the craziness that is my extended family. I want my kids to grow up in the secure way I did, and to know what it is to be surrounded by family and by love. I want to live a comfortable life, knowing that with all its good and bad and ugly, I'm in the place where I feel most comfortable and most confident. In effect, I want to maintain what I had growing up, and the best place I know to do that is home.
This is me at twenty something. At 18, I sounded very different and had very different ideals. Somehow, I suspect that at 30, my priorities and outlook will have shifted again, perhaps become more clarified. I don't know. All I do know is that I have a dream and a goal, and I'ma keep working towards that. Let me do me and work towards what works for me. As to what decisions other people make about where to settle or with whom or how or if........that's their business, not mine.
These days, I don't really care what who says. Part of it is my apathy showing, but part of it is also maturity in realizing that life happens. People start out with great idealistic plans and then realize that things aren't as easy as they seemed to be from afar. Some people left Ghana under terrible conditions and so really have no desire to return; others haven't been to Ghana in about 20 years and have a very warped view of what Gh is like.
Either way, whether or not someone returns to Ghana/the land of their birth/ancestry to live is a very personal decision- not one to be made by consensus or by some 18 y/o idealist who thinks she has all the answers.
Why do I bring this up, because it was an old post I started and didn't get round to finishing till now. But also because I found that priorities and ideas change with time. My desire to go back and work and like in Gh is no longer driven by some idealistic ideal of saving Gh from itself. Nah, its based in a very selfish desire actually. I want my kids, if they ever get born, to know their family and to be close to their grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and all the craziness that is my extended family. I want my kids to grow up in the secure way I did, and to know what it is to be surrounded by family and by love. I want to live a comfortable life, knowing that with all its good and bad and ugly, I'm in the place where I feel most comfortable and most confident. In effect, I want to maintain what I had growing up, and the best place I know to do that is home.
This is me at twenty something. At 18, I sounded very different and had very different ideals. Somehow, I suspect that at 30, my priorities and outlook will have shifted again, perhaps become more clarified. I don't know. All I do know is that I have a dream and a goal, and I'ma keep working towards that. Let me do me and work towards what works for me. As to what decisions other people make about where to settle or with whom or how or if........that's their business, not mine.
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