Thursday, October 22, 2009

Giving up on illusions

Last year I complained ad nauseum about tha fact that I moved into a little village in a small state, and I didnt have a life. This, in fact, was one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. This year however, I think I've given up. So, I dont have a life, probably wont have the exciting fun-filled dynamic life I think a 20 something should have.......ok......time to move on.

I've been told that I'll make money one day and that will make this worth it. And in my mind I think "sure, I'll have money which will go into paying bills, mortgage, school fees etc etc. fun times ahead!!!" And then after that though, my natural apathy sets in, I shrug and move on with what I'm doing- i.e. studying, about to study, thinking about starting to study, or thinking about how I'm wasting valuable time that I could be using to study.

It seems that no matter how hard I try. Its hard (read impossible) to "have a fun dynamic exciting 20 something life" when you're a student on a fixed income, living in the middle of nowhere, dont drink as a way to have fun/be social/drown stress or whatever, without friends who want to go partying every other night and more importantly, when a fun weekend activity entails staying in bed with a book that has no relevance to life in the least. So, it seems that the stereotypical "life" is not/has never been/will never be my thing.

Thats ok. But why do I also feel like I'm missing an important part of my 20's? Why is the angst still lurking under the surface? Have I really given up on this illusion, or have I simply suppressed it? In a perfect world where I could do whatever whenever, would I be out partying every other night? even every weekend? likely not. No one here expects me to have a fun filled awesome weekend all the time....not even myself. So what/who am I comparing myself to, and where is this illusion from? Many of my working friends who are making a ton of money in wonderful fun big cities are overworked, stressed and in increasing numbers, returning to school. So, in a few years, we'll all be at the same level anyway. So again, what is my problem?!?!?!?

Ok, clearly I'm somewhat frustrated with myself. But whatever, gotta go study :)

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