Saturday, September 25, 2010

To God and to a friend

Like everyone else, I have many insecurities and fears. Some are pretty obvious....anyone who knows me half well, will get a hint of them. Others are so deeply covered up, that sometimes even I forget that they're there. Or I can bs my way around them and have the world and myself fooled. But they're there......lurking beneath the facade of the sometimes confident 25 y/o woman who's still in school, but seeing a small flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe the facade isn't that good anyways, and I just don't realize it.  Dunno. I wish I could see what others see when they see me. I've tried asking people that.......never really works out well, because honestly, its kind of an awkward question to ask, and its not really something that most people think about actively. 

Anyways, I digress. This evening, I've had to uncover some of them and deal with them. At least examine them. And it's an unsettling process. But thank God for friends and strong, wise women who aid the process.

So to my friend, J, who may never read this post. Thanks for being there. Thanks for listening and for talking. Thanks for showing me things that I don't want to see. Thanks for having my back. Thanks for making me cry, then making me laugh, but in all things, making me think. Most of all, thanks for reminding me that I have to relinquish control to God. Not that I have much control anyways, but still.....

Now, this medium being cathartic as it is and all, I'm not about to list my fears on the internet where anyone can stumble on them. That's what paper journals are there for. But at least, this is a start. 

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